Before I continue, I will selfishly say that I’m writing this for me and only me to keep me accountable for what I’m mapping out for myself over the next year.   This will be for me to reflect upon for years to come, so this is warning in advance that this will be a LONG post, but if you want to check out what’s happened in my life over the last year you’re more than welcome to take a peek. Oh yeah, read on for a major announcement as well

Now that I got that disclaimer out of the way,  I can boldly say that I’ve made leaps and bounds in my personal growth and understanding what I am truly capable of.    At the beginning of 2008, I was fresh off of Tony Robbin’s Personal Power II program and I wrote a post on New Year’s Resolutions versus Dedications, which entailed being conscious of the language that we use as an indication of our internal dialogue and what we say to ourselves, how we rationalize and justify our choices and opinions in whatever it is we’re facing in our life situations.

For the purposes of skimming, I’ve provided links to my year end reflections of my failures and successes this year.

YEAR END REFLECTIONS

FAILURES

Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed on an equal or greater benefit.’  - Napoleon Hill

There is a lot to be learned from failures no matter how painful, traumatizing or heart-breaking they may be.  To me, failure is to be unconscious of the invisible forces that lead us to failing in the first place. As long as you go about living your life with courage and consciously dissect your failures and break them down to find out what the major contributing factors were, there are major breakthroughs to be had when you make it a habit and perservere every single day in your life.

School

Second City Conservatory Program

Completing Toastmasters Competent Communicator Track

Reading 30 books on self-actualization

Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.  – Thomas A. Edison

• Belief and respect in myself and others
• Being grateful for everything I have
• Implementing and refining better solutions to problems that arise in my life – constantly
• Nurturing my ‘inner world’  
• Celebrating all of my victories and the micro-distinctions I’ve made – no matter how small or seemingly insignificant

Running a Marathon

Journaling

Affirmations

Transforming for SickKids Initiative 2008

Blogging

Credit Card Debt

Sculpt My Body Like Bruce Lee’s & P90X

Moving In With My Girlfriend

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

Back on December 19, 2008, I wrote down all the things I wanted to turn into reality without judgment by December 31, 2009. I whittled all the “goals” I have for the year into seven different categories being:  

Health, Wealth, Relationships, Creativity, Career, Contribution and Exploring the World.

These are my New Year’s Goals for 2009:

Health:

• Run a Marathon in under 3 hrs 45 mins by Oct 31, 2009
• Complete P90X and P90X+ programs
• Allow only ONE day per month to consume alcohol (not including the preparation of meals like risotto)

Wealth:

• Plow through the remainder of my credit card debt and burn half way through my OSAP loan
• Make $200 per week in passive income

Creativity:

• Finish my Competent Communicator and Competent Leader tracks for Toastmasters
• Write on a consistent basis (4 times weekly) to become a better writer
• Read at least 26 books on anything (one book every two weeks)
• Finish improv classes at The Impatient Theatre Company

Relationships:

• Be an even BETTER boyfriend in 2009
• Devote more quality time to family
• Be the central hub to a fantastic group of friends (current and new)
• Appreciate as well as give and add value to all of my relationships in any form possible

Career:

• Finish up Accounting degree
• Get into CMA Accelerated Program for Sept 2009
• Get a new job

Contribution:

• Take my Transforming for SickKids Initiative to the next level

Exploring the World:

• Travel to at least 2 countries outside of North America

It’s a lengthy list and definitely challenging – but if I turn any of these Resolutions into reality, I’ve already won. That’s all! FINALLY eh??

I can’t wait to see how 2009 will stack up against an amazing 2008!

My parting words to those who have skimmed or read this entire post is to have a fantastic 2009 and may it eclipse 2008!

What are your resolutions?  In a year’s time, what kind of person do you envision yourself becoming?  Let me know in the comments

• Making strong offers
• Giving focus and getting commitment
• Listening

For Part 2 I’ll be covering

• Authenticity
• Making the other person look good
• Outcome Independence

Authenticity

According to dictionary.com, their definition of authenticity is:

• The quality of being authentic or of established authority for truth and correctness
• Genuineness; the quality of being genuine or not corrupted from the original.

This is what I was referring to earlier in simply being “real” with people you come across in your social interactions. In improv, by being authentic and improvising with a brutal honesty can really help you connect with your audience because there is nothing being held back. You are expressing yourself from your core and things flow naturally in how you express yourself, your body language, the tonality of your voice, and steady eye contact. Everything is aligned and you’re totally congruent in how you’re expressing yourself.

This can easily be applied to your everyday social interactions as well. I’m not saying that you should be brutally honest in every situation. Use your own judgment. You wouldn’t want to do that in a professional environment

Making the other person look good

How exactly do you go about making the other person ‘look’ good? In improv, making your fellow improviser look good is doing everything you can in a support position with their offers and yes-anding them to drive the scene forward.

When you have a group of improvisers looking to make each other look good, what you get is a cohesive group that is making the scene flow naturally, and appreciating each others presence, improvisation skill-set as well as to generally have fun with whatever suggestion you’re given to work with.

Similarly, when you’re in an interaction with someone, genuinely appreciating (and meaning it) what the other person brings to the conversation be it their beliefs, thoughts, opinions, knowledge, their presence or how they present themselves to you is how you make them look good and feel good about sharing a part of themselves. You’re essentially giving the other person your approval without judgment.

In turn, when your appreciation or interest in the other person is genuine and you’re actively contributing and adding value to the interaction by sharing and relating it to your own insights and experiences – a connection is formed. This is where you want to be, and when you get here, you’ll find how amazing and fun it is to connect with people from all walks of life – and the label of being “charismatic” is attached to you

The second installment of How to be Charismatic Using Improv

Being outcome independent

Let go of any preconceived notions of how things will work out when you’re among new people, friends or acquaintances. Here, you are indifferent to the outcome because you’re merely enjoying the other person’s presence. When a conversation is fun and enjoyable, people will naturally like you and want to connect with you.

Give up any ‘plan’ that you’re going to network like crazy and make ‘solid contacts’ for the purposes of whatever it is you’re trying to accomplish. When you’re trying, people will sense it, but when you’re just letting things flow, giving value, yes-anding, showing genuine appreciation, listening and not getting at any particular outcome, things will come to you when you’ve incorporated all the previous concepts to make you personality magnetic.

While this is a counter-intuitive and abstract concept, letting go of any outcome you want to arrive to will ultimately trip you up in being liked by other people because they feel that you want to “get something” from them. Trying to be charming as opposed to just ‘being’ and letting others decide you’re charming is the key. You’re not there to get anything, you just “are” and that’s what will make you magnetic.

Putting it all together

How do you become charismatic or good with people? You certainly don’t need to take a slew of improv classes or take courses on how to become more social (although they can help and put you on the right track).

My simple and basic answer is that it all comes down to the fundamentals, in excelling in the social arts and becoming charismatic. To excel in any sort of art, it takes theory, practice and skill. For the theory portion, it can be learned in the timeless classic, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, which is recommended by business executives, world leaders and self-help authors as influences for the success in their own lives. It was hugely influential in how I interact with people and how I connect with them.

But having the theory in your head after finishing a book isn’t the goal. The goal is to immediately apply what you’ve learned to the real world. This is where the practice comes in and it can be applied to anyone – family, friends, work colleagues and the new and interesting people who you will meet and naturally gravitate towards you.

As you get better and practice the fundamentals of being better more people, you’ll notice that your conversation skills become better and the social aspect of your life will be more rich and rewarding – and you’ll be blown away by the way people react to you with your confidence and charm

Note ***(I realized it’s kind of funny that I haven’t written any articles directly addressing cultivating charisma (or leadership) for that matter since I’ve started my blog. After reading a post by Dan over at CharismaTips.com split from Charisma Arts, he has since pumped out a slew of quality posts, I decided it was time for me to write something on my thoughts on directly related charisma. This is the first post of a two-part series)

After over a year and a half of improvisational comedy training at The Second City and The Impatient Theatre Company, along with much thought and experimentation and of course countless conversations with literally hundreds of random strangers, I can see the parallels between being charismatic and using principles founded on improvisational comedy (improv) being:

• Making strong offers (and ‘yes-and’ them)
• Commitment
• Listening
• Authenticity
• Making the other person look good
• Taking risks
• Being outcome independent.

If you’ve ever thought back to a time where a conversation that was naturally flowing, the general feeling is that there was a certain “realness” or authenticity of that person, the conversation was genuine, easy, effortless, comfortable, and for the most part fun. The end result is usually you being labeled as “charming” or “refreshing” as a conversationalist whether admitted or implied.

While there are many methods out there that you can learn in order to become charismatic, what you don’t is to box in yourself through using a linear rigid structure (ie Phase 1: Open up conversation with stranger, Phase 2: Ask personal questions etc).

First things first

Before saying anything, having a warm smile can put a person at ease before utter a word. Having a warm and inviting smile subconsciously tells a person that you accept them. What you want to do when making a strong first impression is to have the conversation open and free-flowing; you can use open-ended questions to keep it from abruptly ending in order to give the other person something to work with and build on what you said to continue their end of the conversation.

In order for this to be effective it has to “make sense” – that is to be in the moment, whatever the reason for engaging the other person should be situational such as commenting on something happening moments beforehand to something that you noticed about the person (a book they’re reading, an emotion that you can see they’re clearly conveying, what they’re wearing.. anything that has to do with the other person, really). There has to be a connection between what you’re putting forth or assuming and what the person is doing on what they’re talking about.

The important thing to keep in mind is that it has to be – and I’ll say it again – really in the moment, genuine and coming from within yourself otherwise you might come off as rehearsed, insincere or creepy.

Making strong offers

In improv, in order to keep a scene from abruptly halting, you keep the scene going by making strong offers (verbal or physical) that could be open-ended statements or even conveying an emotion through a certain look or pose, so that the other person can “yes-and it”.

When it comes to making or receiving strong offers such as in Dan’s post, where he talks about “answering the REAL question” when asked “What do you do?” The question “What do you do?” is a very strong offer in itself. Literally the stage is for the person you’re interacting with in letting them know about who they are. Conversely, when you’re asked it, the stage yours in how you reveal more about yourself to connect with whoever you’re in conversation with. You can it fun, interesting, bland, awkward or anything you want it to be. You have the ability to set the tone or react accordingly.

When it comes to building upon offers you can drive an interaction forward by making things more interesting and fun by introducing new layers of statements, questions and assumptions The purpose of “yes-anding” offers is to heighten and explore it. By heightening and exploring an offer, you are effectively supercharging the interaction by taking it to the next level and building upon it. An example “yes-anding” in an interaction, let’s say in a book store would be:

Me: Hey, you look like a well-read person, what’s a good book you could recommend? (open-ended question)

Person: Hmm…well… I just finished reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and it was pretty silly and funny.

Me: Oh, no way. What’s that like? A sci-fiction novel?

Person: Yeah, it is.

Me: Oh no way. I remember when I was a kid, me and my little brother loved pretending to blast away aliens in the dark with my light up laser gun … *zap!* (Yes-anding it) Hey, what’s your favourite childhood memory? (getting a commitment)

From this example interaction, I have “yes-anded” the other person’s statement and made it fun and playful by relating it through my childhood experiences. Results may vary, but 90% of the time, you usually get a chuckle from the other person when you’re letting the other person in on a personal childhood experience and showing that you’re opening up to them, which is easy to relate to for anyone.

Commit, giving focus and get a commitment

Whether in a scene or an interaction, you want to commit to and get commitment from the other person. What it means to commit and get a commitment is to give your undivided attention to the other person without distraction, so that the other person knows that you’re listening to them with your entire focus.

With your undivided attention, you’re giving focus and sub-communicating that there’s nothing else that matters other than what the other person is saying and that you’re taking the person seriously and appreciating their opinions/thoughts. This is the bedrock of building a solid connection. The spotlight is on the other person, not on you.

Getting a commitment from the other person on the other hand is the opposite of committing to an interaction. But how do you exactly get commitment from the other person? The simple answer after making a statement or asking an open-ended question is to stay silent and give a look where you’re expecting an answer from the other person.

Like negotiating, silence is just as powerful in social interactions, and often makes people uncomfortable so they will be compelled and seek to fill the vacuum of silence to get the conversation going again.

When you commit and get a commitment, you can pave the way where both sides are actively contributing by building on what was said in the conversation.

Listening

Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? Listening is often one of the most overlooked areas in social skills and one of the most important behaviours charismatic people hold. For charismatic people, their ability in listening to what a person has to say with their full and undivided attention is what sets them apart from the Average Joe who doesn’t understand the importance of listening.

It’s a simple fact that people love talking about themselves when your interest in them is genuine. Be it their pets, personal lives, passions – it could be anything they are personally interested in. Got it? Cool. So listen to this…

Through solid listening and offering constructive comments about what was being communicated and relating it to your own experiences on some basic level, you can solidify a connection with anyone. The whole point of listening is to understand where the other person is coming from and to get them to open to you because you really want to know about the other person. It is an innate human need to be truly understood.

When a person opens up in such a way to you, you know that they like you enough to share those personal experiences with you. The effect of listening intently is extremely powerful because it’s not very common for people to experience undivided attention and enthusiasm to their interests. When you genuinely like a person for their unique self, more than often than not, they’ll be compelled to get to know you as well, and that lays the foundation of your becoming charismatic.

This is the end of part 1 in a 2 part series.

1. Giving/Accepting Offers in order to heighten and explore a scene

2. Status – the status of one person in relation to the other improvisers

3. Strong choices – choosing something to work with from an offer and committing to it fully in order to make it as real as possible by coupling with an emotion.

Here are some videos of my first performance ever from my Level C class less semester. The games that we’re playing on stage are “Dr. Know-It-All” and “Hitchhiker”

Let me know what you guys think… remember.. this is my first performance so take it easy on me…

In any given day, we are given countless opportunities to engage in something we didn’t expect. For one reason or another we are too immersed in our own lives to be aware of opportunities, and if we are aware we consciously block those opportunities rather than accepting them to create joy that arises from the spontaneity in everyday life.

I am deliberately being as general as possible here by using the word “something”, because opportunities or offers can come in any shape or form. It can stem from a smile from a stranger, which can warrant you starting a rewarding conversation to being chosen to be interviewed at random and being asked “do you touch yourself at work?” (I’ll explain this later on…

Now to be explicitly clear, we’re not talking about unwelcome offers that are a threat to your own safety or are outside of your values and belief system; rather, I’m talking about the type that are non-threatening that you’ve determined and feel you can engage in fully with joy, ease and lightness.

The rule of thumb of your own acceptability of an offer or opportunity should be “Does this threaten or harm me? If not, can I have fun from this offer/opportunity?” If you’ve said no to the former and yes to the latter, then you can begin experience the joy of accepting unexpected offers!

What do you mean by “accepting an offer”?

The inspiration of this article comes from my improv (improvisational comedy) training at The Second City. I use the concepts I learned from my improv training to add more fun to my everyday interactions. The main concept or “technique” in order to create a scene or in this case, an interaction, and move it forward is to accept offers.

Accepting an offer is simply saying this statement to yourself (verbally or in your head) in the skit/scene or in this case real life, “Yes, and…”. The point of the “Yes anding” something is to heighten and explore the scene.

An example of this technique in action in a scene would be:

Mike: “Hey Franz, did you want catch the Patriots game with me and Geetha tonight? We have an extra ticket because August bailed on us”

Franz: “Yeah, and we can all pretend to be Manchester United fans talk with an English accent, bring horns to be loud as possible and try to convert Patriots fans to the real football!”

Here, you can see that Franz has accepted Mike’s offer and heightened and explored it. It may seem absurd, but the sheer fact of trying to convert hardcore Patriots fans to the “real football” amidst insulting American beer as a drink for girls can be daunting and well… fun! If Mike and Geetha are willing, they can further “yes anding” Fred, with the end result being fun, spontaneity and havoc ensuing!

How you can apply this in everyday life

A few weeks ago, I was walking towards the men’s change room to get changed for my tempo run. As I was walking I looked into one of the Studios at the school gym where I go for training. As I looked in, I saw a room full of women who were doing some sort of Tae-Bo like cardio workout program, where the instructor enthusiastically invited me (a complete stranger) to join in.

After asking myself, “Does this threaten or harm me? If not, can I have fun from this offer/opportunity?” and determined that the offer was safe and fun (alongside my utter inability to turn down offers of this nature). I fully committed to the offer and as a result, had a fun and amazing workout that was even better than the tempo run I originally planned for.

“Do you touch yourself at work?”

Just the other day, when I was walking towards the library to get some studying done for one of my accounting courses, I was stopped by a scruffy looking reporter holding a microphone with his cameraman.

What happened afterwards went along the lines of this:

Reporter: “Hey, do you have a minute to answer a few questions?”

Me: “umm.. sure.. what did you want to ask?”
Reporter: “We wanted to ask you a few things about your job”
Me: “hmm.. okay…
Reporter: “Where do you work?”
Me: “I’m not at liberty to say” (because I’m not supposed to divulge details like that)
Reporter: “Do you hate your job?”
Me: “Well, I wouldn’t say that I hate it but, it’s unrewarding and unfulfilling…”
Reporter: “So you hate your job then.”
Me: (taking a clue here and accepting the offer) “Yeah, I hate my job”
Reporter: “Why do you hate your job, though? Does your job entail you having to touch anyone?”
Me: “Haha. NO.
Reporter: “Do you touch yourself at work then?”
Me: “Yeah…sometimes…*shifty-eye + big toothy grin*”

Obviously that isn’t the truth, but I had effectively heightened and explored the interaction by accepting his offer by employing self-deprecating humour with the outcome being laughs shared by all.

*** Note *** I don’t condone using self-deprecating humour all the time as you want people to laugh with you not laugh at you, through my experiences and training I deemed it appropriate to do so.

After the interview, I found out they were shooting for a promotional campaign for Staples Business Depot up here in Canada, posting their mini-interviews on their website and was given a $20 gift certificate for my time all from a quick 2 minute interaction. Not too shabby huh?(I’ll link to the interview when it goes live).

As you can see, above are examples from my own life of accepting unexpected offers. I feel that our time on earth too short to be drowned under the crush of waves that we call “life”. By employing this basic improv technique, you can create a sense of joy along sharing it with others by putting smiles on faces of people you interact with that will be guaranteed to resonate throughout the day.

Have you ever used the technique of “yes anding” unknowingly and “going with it”? Were there any situations in hindsight that you could have done so? Let me know in the comments!

If you learned anything or liked this article, please Digg it. I appreciate your readership