Note ***(I realized it’s kind of funny that I haven’t written any articles directly addressing cultivating charisma (or leadership) for that matter since I’ve started my blog. After reading a post by Dan over at CharismaTips.com split from Charisma Arts, he has since pumped out a slew of quality posts, I decided it was time for me to write something on my thoughts on directly related charisma. This is the first post of a two-part series)

After over a year and a half of improvisational comedy training at The Second City and The Impatient Theatre Company, along with much thought and experimentation and of course countless conversations with literally hundreds of random strangers, I can see the parallels between being charismatic and using principles founded on improvisational comedy (improv) being:

• Making strong offers (and ‘yes-and’ them)
• Commitment
• Listening
• Authenticity
• Making the other person look good
• Taking risks
• Being outcome independent.

If you’ve ever thought back to a time where a conversation that was naturally flowing, the general feeling is that there was a certain “realness” or authenticity of that person, the conversation was genuine, easy, effortless, comfortable, and for the most part fun. The end result is usually you being labeled as “charming” or “refreshing” as a conversationalist whether admitted or implied.

While there are many methods out there that you can learn in order to become charismatic, what you don’t is to box in yourself through using a linear rigid structure (ie Phase 1: Open up conversation with stranger, Phase 2: Ask personal questions etc).

First things first

Before saying anything, having a warm smile can put a person at ease before utter a word. Having a warm and inviting smile subconsciously tells a person that you accept them. What you want to do when making a strong first impression is to have the conversation open and free-flowing; you can use open-ended questions to keep it from abruptly ending in order to give the other person something to work with and build on what you said to continue their end of the conversation.

In order for this to be effective it has to “make sense” – that is to be in the moment, whatever the reason for engaging the other person should be situational such as commenting on something happening moments beforehand to something that you noticed about the person (a book they’re reading, an emotion that you can see they’re clearly conveying, what they’re wearing.. anything that has to do with the other person, really). There has to be a connection between what you’re putting forth or assuming and what the person is doing on what they’re talking about.

The important thing to keep in mind is that it has to be – and I’ll say it again – really in the moment, genuine and coming from within yourself otherwise you might come off as rehearsed, insincere or creepy.

Making strong offers

In improv, in order to keep a scene from abruptly halting, you keep the scene going by making strong offers (verbal or physical) that could be open-ended statements or even conveying an emotion through a certain look or pose, so that the other person can “yes-and it”.

When it comes to making or receiving strong offers such as in Dan’s post, where he talks about “answering the REAL question” when asked “What do you do?” The question “What do you do?” is a very strong offer in itself. Literally the stage is for the person you’re interacting with in letting them know about who they are. Conversely, when you’re asked it, the stage yours in how you reveal more about yourself to connect with whoever you’re in conversation with. You can it fun, interesting, bland, awkward or anything you want it to be. You have the ability to set the tone or react accordingly.

When it comes to building upon offers you can drive an interaction forward by making things more interesting and fun by introducing new layers of statements, questions and assumptions The purpose of “yes-anding” offers is to heighten and explore it. By heightening and exploring an offer, you are effectively supercharging the interaction by taking it to the next level and building upon it. An example “yes-anding” in an interaction, let’s say in a book store would be:

Me: Hey, you look like a well-read person, what’s a good book you could recommend? (open-ended question)

Person: Hmm…well… I just finished reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and it was pretty silly and funny.

Me: Oh, no way. What’s that like? A sci-fiction novel?

Person: Yeah, it is.

Me: Oh no way. I remember when I was a kid, me and my little brother loved pretending to blast away aliens in the dark with my light up laser gun … *zap!* (Yes-anding it) Hey, what’s your favourite childhood memory? (getting a commitment)

From this example interaction, I have “yes-anded” the other person’s statement and made it fun and playful by relating it through my childhood experiences. Results may vary, but 90% of the time, you usually get a chuckle from the other person when you’re letting the other person in on a personal childhood experience and showing that you’re opening up to them, which is easy to relate to for anyone.

Commit, giving focus and get a commitment

Whether in a scene or an interaction, you want to commit to and get commitment from the other person. What it means to commit and get a commitment is to give your undivided attention to the other person without distraction, so that the other person knows that you’re listening to them with your entire focus.

With your undivided attention, you’re giving focus and sub-communicating that there’s nothing else that matters other than what the other person is saying and that you’re taking the person seriously and appreciating their opinions/thoughts. This is the bedrock of building a solid connection. The spotlight is on the other person, not on you.

Getting a commitment from the other person on the other hand is the opposite of committing to an interaction. But how do you exactly get commitment from the other person? The simple answer after making a statement or asking an open-ended question is to stay silent and give a look where you’re expecting an answer from the other person.

Like negotiating, silence is just as powerful in social interactions, and often makes people uncomfortable so they will be compelled and seek to fill the vacuum of silence to get the conversation going again.

When you commit and get a commitment, you can pave the way where both sides are actively contributing by building on what was said in the conversation.

Listening

Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? Listening is often one of the most overlooked areas in social skills and one of the most important behaviours charismatic people hold. For charismatic people, their ability in listening to what a person has to say with their full and undivided attention is what sets them apart from the Average Joe who doesn’t understand the importance of listening.

It’s a simple fact that people love talking about themselves when your interest in them is genuine. Be it their pets, personal lives, passions – it could be anything they are personally interested in. Got it? Cool. So listen to this…

Through solid listening and offering constructive comments about what was being communicated and relating it to your own experiences on some basic level, you can solidify a connection with anyone. The whole point of listening is to understand where the other person is coming from and to get them to open to you because you really want to know about the other person. It is an innate human need to be truly understood.

When a person opens up in such a way to you, you know that they like you enough to share those personal experiences with you. The effect of listening intently is extremely powerful because it’s not very common for people to experience undivided attention and enthusiasm to their interests. When you genuinely like a person for their unique self, more than often than not, they’ll be compelled to get to know you as well, and that lays the foundation of your becoming charismatic.

This is the end of part 1 in a 2 part series.

Take control of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life. – Anthony Robbins

Often when we are confronted with a situation or outcome that we feel is undesirable, it’s easy to fall into a negative thought pattern. We dwell on the situation and amplify what is already perceived as “bad”, rather than accept it for what it is and move forward.

It is often a slippery slope that is hard to get off of when we are focused on only the negative and self-created ‘imminent doom’ that awaits us. However, this can all be avoided when you realize that you can instantly break that negative pattern by recognizing that we already have a ‘positivity toolkit’ containing these 12 ways to instantly change your mood.

1. SMILE!

I mentioned in my previous post about smiling that we are biologically hardwired to feel better if not ‘good’ whenever we smile. Although it may seem weird at first to force a smile to change your mood, it is impossible to feel negative when you’re smiling ear to ear. It is best to do this in front of a mirror to see yourself smiling. It still works if you don’t have a mirror.

2. Music

There are numerous scientific studies that account for how music can change our mood in an instant. While it may sound like common sense to listen to a song that stirs up empowering emotions such as excitement, joy or gratitude – when you’re on that slippery slope, you can easily forget this powerful tool is at your disposal. Songs that are high energy, relaxing, or imparts to you an emotional and empowering connection work the best.

A perfect example would be if you were experiencing road rage. By putting on soothing classical music, it can trigger an emotional state that overrides the road rage and move you out of that negative state of mind.

What are the songs that changed your mood immediately in the past?3. Engage your body’s physiology

What I mean by engaging your body’s physiology is changing the way you move powerfully where you can change your emotional state immediately. While you can use your body language to communicate to others, you also unconsciously communicate to yourself. Engaging your physiology can come from:

• Smiling (as opposed to frowning)

• Improving your posture (are you slumping or is your back upright?)

• The step in your walk (are you dragging your feet or taking long and powerful strides?

• The position of your head (is your head held up high or looking down at the floor?)

• Your gestures (are they weak and passive or powerful and dominant?).

4. Exercise

Related to engaging your physiology, you can dissipate a bad mood by expending that negative energy towards something healthy and constructive like exercise. For myself, I either swim or run in order to get out of a bad mood with the end result of feeling powerful and invigorated. By exercising, you can trigger the brain to release “feel good” hormones otherwise known as endorphins.

It doesn’t have to be a full fledged workout, playing a sport or taking a walk is a great option as well.

What physical activity can you engage in to change your mood?5. Socialize

Whether you’re socially inclined or not, you start to feel better when you interact and surround yourself with positive people you can relate to. This can span anywhere from calling up your best friend to talk your situation through, to talking to a classmate or a co-worker, to going to a party. Any of these force you to focus on something rather than dwelling on the problem.

Whom can you talk to, meet or hang out with that can break you out of your negative state?6. Change your breathing

The way we breathe can affect our mood as well. If you notice, whenever you’re in a great mood, your breaths are spaced out evenly, you breathe easily, calmly and deeply. Compare that situation to when you’re feeling really stressed, nervous or anxious; your breaths are quick, erratic and shallow.

When it comes to breathing, we can consciously control the way we breathe and thus the way we feel. We can lower our heart rates and become cool as a cucumber

7. The way you frame or perceive your situation

Do you see the glass half-empty or half full? The way you frame situations (view the world) can significantly alter the way you see things and ultimately the way you feel.

Imagine a scenario where you had failed a midterm. You can:
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• (A) feel like a failure, think of past failures, mope for a week, then “try to do better next time”

• <!–[if !supportLists]–>(B) see it as constructive (but harsh) feedback and immediately take action to create a plan of what you need to do in order to ensure your success in that course. Most importantly, follow through.

Which scenario would you rather be in?8. Asking the right questions to direct your focus

It is said when you ask lousy questions you get lousy answers; however, when you ask great questions you get great answers. Instead of asking questions that amplify victimization, place the blame on others, or are limiting, try and ask questions that look beyond your problem. Your answer may lie beyond what your current perceived situation is.

For example, in a generalized situation of something “bad” regularly occurring, instead of asking “Why does this always happen to me?” ask “What are the actions that I can take to prevent this from happening to me?”

9. Meditation

While there are many different ways of meditating which I won’t go into, meditation can be defined as: “self regulation of attention, in the service of self-inquiry, in the here and now.” You can do this in solitude, but if that’s not possible you can close your eyes for a moment and take several deep slow breaths – breathing in the positive and exhaling negative energy. The self-inquiry aspect of meditation is crucial as it requires you to dig deeper into yourself, discovering the root of the negative thought pattern. Once you’ve reached that “Ah-Ha!” moment, you step out of the negative thought pattern into one that is constructive and resourceful.

10. Writing in a journal

When you put pen to paper (or blog), it’s a great way to vent all your thoughts, feelings, and frustrations unrestrained and without judgment.

This practice is particularly useful for the purposes of reflection. For when you observe your thoughts from a moment ago, a disconnect is created between your current state and the negative situation you were ‘in’. This realization occurs usually after writing a passage and leads to knowing the bad mood is just a ‘broken record’ that has been stopped, replaced, and acted upon objectively and constructively.

11. Sharing an intimate moment

If you have a significant other, being in his or her presence can change the way you feel instantly. Talking, hugging, cuddling or having sex (if you are that serious) can pull you out of downward spiral. It’s scientifically proven that engaging in any of the aforementioned releases endorphins that can transform the negative thought pattern into one that is joyful.

12. Do something you enjoy for a moment

This is another obvious activity we can do but might not be apparent when we’re in a bad mood. Be it knitting, sudoku or dancing like no one’s looking – anything that brings joy into your life can break you out of a negative thought pattern.

At one point or another, you have employed each and every one of these ways of changing your mood to certain degree. With these ways of altering your mood in mind, you can steer yourself away from being a Sad Sack to being a Glad Bag

Also check out:

• How to bust a bad mood
• Get off your butt: 16 Ways Get Motivated When You’re In a Slump
• Practical and Powerful Ways to Overcome Depression
• 6 Ways to Be Positive in Any Situation
• Investing In Yourself: Feeling Good

Lately, I’ve been thinking and experimenting of the simple yet powerful gesture of smiling in everyday life. I examined this gesture on two fronts; how it effects others and how it affects oneself.

Generally, I’m a pretty happy guy and as such, I smile a lot… well, no.. I smile pretty much all the time. I smile from ear-to-ear with a big toothy grin. I smile until my eyes can’t be seen (I guess I smile with my eyes). I smile with my whole body and an open heart.

The precursor to the delivery of a warm smile is the initiation of direct eye contact. So how does this affect others? Through my own extensive experimentation by initiating eye contact and smiling at people from all walks of life; on the street, streetcars, subways, buses, malls – pretty much anywhere and everywhere, people will almost unconsciously respond in kind with a warm smile as well. In terms of meeting new people or strangers, it instantly creates a connection between two people through something so universal, simple yet profound in sparking a connection with someone.

Naturally, however, making direct eye contact with a person is seen as a VERY aggressive gesture. It sends a shot of adrenaline through our bodies and the other person because it’s a biologically hardwired response to view direct eye contact as a threat, challenge or act of aggression. But when you follow up immediately direct eye contact with a warm smile, it automatically lowers a person’s defenses because there’s such a contrast between direct eye contact and a warm smile and instantly makes a person feel “good”.

Why it works that way in my opinion is that a warm smile signifies whole-hearted acceptance of a person. When I smile at a person, I picture where the person might be headed to, what’s on their mind, what were they thinking before I made eye contact. When it’s coupled with the fact that its towards a new person, the effect is amplified in your favour because this sort of “risk-taking behaviour” is generally not practiced by society at large.

The foundation that makes this gesture consistent and powerful is your mindset or belief system when you smile in this fashion. When it comes to myself, I *love* meeting new people, understanding them and blowing past the usual superficial pleasantries like “what do you do?” or “where you’re from?”. While most people are trapped in their own selfish thoughts of what’s to be done in the future, what happened in the past, what needs to be done today in order to make it through the week. By getting down to the core essence of a person, you break that pattern of stress or insecurities. I like to get to know what drives them through life and by discovering their passions, you can open a whole new world of possibilities in connecting with someone.

During this process, you need to open yourself up as well, because how much the other person will open up is correlated to your level of openness. When you employ that sort of mindset, you will notice a marked improvement in your relations with new people, colleagues and friends in general.

How this affects oneself is simple. If you were try to feel depressed when you’re forcing a smile from ear to ear, it’s simply not possible. You can trigger the way you feel by how you express yourself physically. Like direct eye contact, you’re biologically hardwired this way. When you smile for a set amount of time, you’ll literally change how you feel and as such change your mood further adding momentum to your reaching out and connecting with someone.

Here’s an exercise that you can try out for yourself. Try to feel depressed when you’re smiling and looking up at the ceiling. I’ll bet you a pint of beer (or non-alcoholic if you don’t drink) that it’s VIRTUALLY IMPOSSIBLE to feel depressed when you’re doing so.

*insert I had my friend Rob Wilkinson message me on Facebook and here’s what he had to add about smiling:

“did you know that smiling is Scientifically Proven to make you Happier? Smiling actually creates endorphins which stimulate natural responses that effect mood. That’s why it actually helps when you try and get someone who’s up to try and smile.”

Try this stuff out. It’s good for the soul

What are thoughts on smiling? Let us know in the comments section!

Related Links:

The Art of Smiling