How to be Charismatic Using Improv Techniques (Part 1 of 2)
Posted by Will in The Second City, authenticity, charisma, improv, smiling, social dynamics
Note ***(I realized it’s kind of funny that I haven’t written any articles directly addressing cultivating charisma (or leadership) for that matter since I’ve started my blog. After reading a post by Dan over at CharismaTips.com split from Charisma Arts, he has since pumped out a slew of quality posts, I decided it was time for me to write something on my thoughts on directly related charisma. This is the first post of a two-part series)
After over a year and a half of improvisational comedy training at The Second City and The Impatient Theatre Company, along with much thought and experimentation and of course countless conversations with literally hundreds of random strangers, I can see the parallels between being charismatic and using principles founded on improvisational comedy (improv) being:
- Making strong offers (and ‘yes-and’ them)
- Commitment
- Listening
- Authenticity
- Making the other person look good
- Taking risks
- Being outcome independent.
If you’ve ever thought back to a time where a conversation that was naturally flowing, the general feeling is that there was a certain “realness” or authenticity of that person, the conversation was genuine, easy, effortless, comfortable, and for the most part fun. The end result is usually you being labeled as “charming” or “refreshing” as a conversationalist whether admitted or implied.
While there are many methods out there that you can learn in order to become charismatic, what you don’t is to box in yourself through using a linear rigid structure (ie Phase 1: Open up conversation with stranger, Phase 2: Ask personal questions etc).
First things first
Before saying anything, having a warm smile can put a person at ease before utter a word. Having a warm and inviting smile subconsciously tells a person that you accept them. What you want to do when making a strong first impression is to have the conversation open and free-flowing; you can use open-ended questions to keep it from abruptly ending in order to give the other person something to work with and build on what you said to continue their end of the conversation.
In order for this to be effective it has to “make sense” – that is to be in the moment, whatever the reason for engaging the other person should be situational such as commenting on something happening moments beforehand to something that you noticed about the person (a book they’re reading, an emotion that you can see they’re clearly conveying, what they’re wearing.. anything that has to do with the other person, really). There has to be a connection between what you’re putting forth or assuming and what the person is doing on what they’re talking about.
The important thing to keep in mind is that it has to be – and I’ll say it again – really in the moment, genuine and coming from within yourself otherwise you might come off as rehearsed, insincere or creepy.
Making strong offers
In improv, in order to keep a scene from abruptly halting, you keep the scene going by making strong offers (verbal or physical) that could be open-ended statements or even conveying an emotion through a certain look or pose, so that the other person can “yes-and it”.
When it comes to making or receiving strong offers such as in Dan’s post, where he talks about “answering the REAL question” when asked “What do you do?” The question “What do you do?” is a very strong offer in itself. Literally the stage is for the person you’re interacting with in letting them know about who they are. Conversely, when you’re asked it, the stage yours in how you reveal more about yourself to connect with whoever you’re in conversation with. You can it fun, interesting, bland, awkward or anything you want it to be. You have the ability to set the tone or react accordingly.
When it comes to building upon offers you can drive an interaction forward by making things more interesting and fun by introducing new layers of statements, questions and assumptions The purpose of “yes-anding” offers is to heighten and explore it. By heightening and exploring an offer, you are effectively supercharging the interaction by taking it to the next level and building upon it. An example “yes-anding” in an interaction, let’s say in a book store would be:
Me: Hey, you look like a well-read person, what’s a good book you could recommend? (open-ended question)
Person: Hmm…well… I just finished reading Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and it was pretty silly and funny.
Me: Oh, no way. What’s that like? A sci-fiction novel?
Person: Yeah, it is.
Me: Oh no way. I remember when I was a kid, me and my little brother loved pretending to blast away aliens in the dark with my light up laser gun … *zap!* (Yes-anding it) Hey, what’s your favourite childhood memory? (getting a commitment)
From this example interaction, I have “yes-anded” the other person’s statement and made it fun and playful by relating it through my childhood experiences. Results may vary, but 90% of the time, you usually get a chuckle from the other person when you’re letting the other person in on a personal childhood experience and showing that you’re opening up to them, which is easy to relate to for anyone.
Commit, giving focus and get a commitment
Whether in a scene or an interaction, you want to commit to and get commitment from the other person. What it means to commit and get a commitment is to give your undivided attention to the other person without distraction, so that the other person knows that you’re listening to them with your entire focus.
With your undivided attention, you’re giving focus and sub-communicating that there’s nothing else that matters other than what the other person is saying and that you’re taking the person seriously and appreciating their opinions/thoughts. This is the bedrock of building a solid connection. The spotlight is on the other person, not on you.
Getting a commitment from the other person on the other hand is the opposite of committing to an interaction. But how do you exactly get commitment from the other person? The simple answer after making a statement or asking an open-ended question is to stay silent and give a look where you’re expecting an answer from the other person.
Like negotiating, silence is just as powerful in social interactions, and often makes people uncomfortable so they will be compelled and seek to fill the vacuum of silence to get the conversation going again.
When you commit and get a commitment, you can pave the way where both sides are actively contributing by building on what was said in the conversation.
Listening
Sounds pretty simple doesn’t it? Listening is often one of the most overlooked areas in social skills and one of the most important behaviours charismatic people hold. For charismatic people, their ability in listening to what a person has to say with their full and undivided attention is what sets them apart from the Average Joe who doesn’t understand the importance of listening.
It’s a simple fact that people love talking about themselves when your interest in them is genuine. Be it their pets, personal lives, passions – it could be anything they are personally interested in. Got it? Cool. So listen to this…
Through solid listening and offering constructive comments about what was being communicated and relating it to your own experiences on some basic level, you can solidify a connection with anyone. The whole point of listening is to understand where the other person is coming from and to get them to open to you because you really want to know about the other person. It is an innate human need to be truly understood.
When a person opens up in such a way to you, you know that they like you enough to share those personal experiences with you. The effect of listening intently is extremely powerful because it’s not very common for people to experience undivided attention and enthusiasm to their interests. When you genuinely like a person for their unique self, more than often than not, they’ll be compelled to get to know you as well, and that lays the foundation of your becoming charismatic.
This is the end of part 1 in a 2 part series.
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Hey Will.
I found that when I was wanting to learn how to communicate better and more comfortably, I learned it through seeking out and working at sales jobs.
It’s purposeful and therefore adds some structure to the plight. And what better way to learn social skills than to actually do it for a whole shift and then to get paid for it?
Instead of approaching a stranger at a bookstore, why not *work* in a bookstore and have helping strangers and talking to strangers as your job? You will find that speaking and approaching people comes a lot easier in your personal life when it is also your job to do it.
I look to retail jobs as reinforcement of social skills and monetary compensation rolled in one! Taking those skills to a cocktail party is okay too.
Hey Jess!
Great points. Of course, that will work too – perhaps that will be my inspiration writing a post on “How to Improve your Social Skills while on the job – and get paid for it too!”
I agree that taking on a job that will force you to improve your soft skills would work. You learn on the job where you’re forced to improve and pump out the sales or you don’t. Sink or swim and at the same time learn.
Well, I’m not sure that a sink or swim environment is that helpful for people who are very shy. If someone is struggling with social skills, they need to feel comfortable enough to break through that. There are lots of retail jobs that aren’t cut throat competitive. Like the bookstore, for example. There isn’t pressure to sell X-number of books, but there is lots of helping people find books and giving advice on books. Other conversations (like the examples that you gave) can spring from there when they are comfortable enough.
I might write a similar blog entry, inspired by your post! It will be fun to read different perspectives on the same topic.